I have a hard time understanding my partner's feelings

We don't have good habits to take care of our relationship

We rarely go on date nights and I lack inspiration

We rarely talk about things other than our work, logistics and household chores

I think my partner and I have different love languages and I want to find out

My partner doesn't recognize all the stuff I do around the house

Check out our blog for relationship information, tips and inspiration.

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It's important to have meaningful conversations with your partner.

We easily fall into routines of only talking about work, chores and the family.

These 100 questions for your relationship can help you have different kinds of conversations.

- [Why ask questions?](#why)

- [100 questions for your relationship](#questions)

[Terri Orbuch - aka The Love Doctor](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/love-doctor) - says we should spend 10 minutes per day talking to our partner about something other than work, chores, our children, and our relationship.

To help you out, we've come up with 100 questions for you and your partner to answer together as you spend those 10 quality minutes together.

Do you have more questions we can add? [Please send us your ideas](mailto:contact@getcoupleness.com)!

1. What is your favorite breakfast food?

2. What does your perfect day entail, in less than ten words?

3. Where would you like to go with your partner?

4. What are you looking forward to in the next year?

5. What is one thing your partner cannot live without?

6. What is your favorite season, and why?

7. Who is someone you'd like to have a closer relationship with?

8. What is something your partner as achieved recently?

9. What is something about yourself that you are grateful for?

10. What makes you feel safe?

11. Who was kind to you today?

12. How can your partner help you reach your goals?

13. If you could be an expert in any field, what would it be?

14. Do you prefer receiving a surprise present, or something you asked for?

15. What is your favorite scent?

16. What was your favorite game to play as a child?

17. What do you want life to look like when you are old?

18. What can you thank yourself for today?

19. What is the next step towards your dream life? Or are you already living it?

20. Who was an adult you trusted when you were a child?

21. Who is someone you are missing today?

22. What do you miss the most when you and your partner are apart?

23. What outfit do you think your partner looks best in?

24. What is your favorite way to be creative?

25. What is something that made your partner happy recently?

26. What inspires you?

27. Which of your parents are you most like?

28. What is something you can get better at?

29. What are two things that make life meaningful for you?

30. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

31. What is one thing you love about your body?

32. If your partner could meet one famous person, who would it be?

33. What made you smile today?

34. How do you want to be remembered?

35. When do you feel proud of yourself?

36. What do you need more of in your life?

37. What is something your partner dreams about?

38. What was your favorite moment last week?

39. What activity have you always wanted to try?

40. If you could relive a year of your life, what year would it be and why?

41. What is your earliest childhood memory?

42. What three words best describe you?

43. When you pause and take a deep breath, what are you thankful for?

44. What do you value most in a friendship?

45. What vacation or trip is at the top of your wish list?

46. What is the most beautiful place you have ever visited?

47. What are you looking forward to this week?

48. What is something that's been bothering your partner lately?

49. What is your partner's favorite food?

50. What age did you dream of being when you were a child?

51. How have you changed in the last year?

52. What small shift in your morning routine could make your days better?

53. What would your ideal Sunday morning with your partner look like?

54. How do you describe your partner to others?

55. What habit do you want to start doing?

56. What is your message to the world?

57. What's one thing that you're really good at?

58. How would you like to spend an extra free day?

59. What would the title of the movie about your life be?

60. What is something you love doing that you haven't been able to do lately?

61. What is something that always makes you laugh?

62. What can you and your partner can do together that is nice for someone else?

63. Which day last week was the best, and why?

64. What did you see today that was beautiful?

65. If your partner was a superhero, which one would they be?

66. When did you feel most loved as a child?

67. What compliment do you most enjoy receiving?

68. If you could change one thing about how you grew up, what would it be?

69. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

70. What is something coming up in the future that is important to you?

71. Who is someone you can say "thank you" to?

72. If your partner could choose, who would be invited to your house for dinner tonight?

73. Which of your partner's friends do you like the most?

74. What do you long for?

75. What is unique about you?

76. Who inspired you when you were younger?

77. Which celebrity would be your best friend?

78. If you had no responsibilities for one month, what would you like to do?

79. What is something you would like to learn?

80. When was a recent learning moment for you?

81. What is something nice about your partner that you've heard other people talk about?

82. What is a memory from your childhood you'd like to share with your partner?

83. What did you do well during the past week?

84. What is a word or phrase that can remind you to be grateful?

85. What would you like to develop in yourself?

86. Do you collect anything? What, and why?

87. What is something you think your partner would be good at?

88. What made you hopeful today?

89. What song makes you happy?

90. What was one of your favorite books growing up?

91. What is the most important thing you learned from your parents?

92. What is something you don't want to take for granted?

93. What are you grateful for today?

94. How would you like to spend an extra free day?

95. What are your partner's dreams for the future?

96. When was the last time you were proud of your partner and why?

97. How have you changed in the past year?

98. What song describes today?

99. What is the best thing that happened today?

100. What is missing in your life right now?

These questions can help you have more fun, meaningful and silly conversations.

100 Questions for your Relationship

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The 5 love languages are the different ways we give and receive love.

They can be helpful in understanding ourselves better.

We can use the love languages as a starting point to explore more deeply.

The next step is to find out what your kind of love is.

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<small>Relationship Expert Maya Maria Brown introduces a new way to think about the love languages.</small>

- [What are the love languages?](#what1)

- [What is my love language?](#what2)

- [Why the 5 love languages can be helpful](#why)

- [3 ways we can go deeper with the love languages](#3ways)

- [How to use the love languages in your relationship](#how1)

- [How do I know what my kind of love is?](#how2)

- [Take the quiz to find out your kind of love](#take)

Learning about the love languages is a great first step when it comes to loving and feeling loved by your partner. There are also ways we can build on the love languages, and things we can explore to feel the kind of love we long for in our relationships.

So, we’ll look at some love languages examples, how to know your love language, and how to love and be loved by your partner in all the best ways. Stick with me, because this could transform the way you and your partner feel in your relationship for the better.

Imagine what it would be like if all you ever wanted was a hug from your partner, but they just keep saying they love you from a distance. Or if you plan an amazing date for your partner, but they are just waiting to see what gift you got them.

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. It almost feels like you and your partner are speaking different languages. News flash: that’s exactly what it is. But learning each other’s language is easier than you think.

What are the five love languages? They are a way of understanding how we naturally give and feel love. They are:

**1. Physical touch**

The physical touch love language is about feeling most loved by your partner when you’re in physical contact with them. This could include things like holding hands, hugging, snuggling, and being sexual.

**2. Gifts**

The gifts love language is about feeling loved when getting a present. This could be more traditional gifts on holidays and birthdays. But it could also be small things, like your partner bringing home your favorite dessert or flowers, or a little souvenir from a trip they took.

**3. Quality time**

Quality time is time spent together in a meaningful way. It’s not just about being in the same place. Quality time could be working on something together, exploring something new, being playful, or focusing on a shared interest (Netflix counts!).

**4. Acts of service**

The acts of service love language is when your partner does something kind that makes you feel loved. An act of service could be a chore or task around the house, running an errand, or something that makes your life easier.
 
**5. Words of affirmation**

Words of affirmation is about your partner saying things that make you feel loved. It can be spoken or written, direct or indirect. It doesn't have to only be the words, “I love you” - it can be any words that express positive feelings towards you.

The concept of the love languages was created by Gary Chapman, who wrote the book [The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store), and many other books as well.

He says that every person has a "love tank" within them that fills up when we feel loved, and that we all have a primary - and often a secondary - love language. His [“what is your love language” quiz](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes) helps you figure that out for yourself.

So let’s get down to it. We’ve answered the “What are the 5 love languages” question with the love languages list. Now you might be wondering how to find your love language. A 5 love languages quiz is a great place to start.

You can find a lot of places that have a love languages test, but the official one is [the five love languages quiz](https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes) run by the creators of the first 5 love languages test. Their quiz will explore the different types of love language, and help you find out: what is your love language?

To begin with, a quick and easy way to do a five love languages test is to read about the love language types in the 5 love languages list above. Now, think about these questions:

- When do I feel most loved by my partner?

- Which of these five ways of showing love is my favorite to receive?

- Do any of these love languages not have a big effect on me?

- Have I found myself showing love in any of these ways and my partner doesn’t seem to really feel it or appreciate it?

How do I know my love language? For me, I didn’t have to take a five love languages quiz to know that when my partner tells me nice things, I completely melt - words of affirmation is my love language, through and through.

My partner on the other hand is all about acts of service. If I take care of something so he doesn’t have to, he feels super loved by me. He appreciates the visible and [invisible labor](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/invisible-labor-in-relationships) I do in our relationship.

On the other hand, if I told him nice things or wrote him a love letter, he would probably shrug and not feel much. He’s not a words of affirmation guy, that’s for sure.

But here’s the interesting thing: it’s not enough to know your love language. Research shows that it’s important to [know your partner’s love language](https://web.b.ebscohost.com/abstract?direct=true&profile=ehost&scope=site&authtype=crawler&jrnl=21648204&AN=146388322&h=Su83TLDWoEIUoxjrDx01%2fhTf24ftnZstJ8Si31xwqMVdNB51nUideI1occh6z%2fl0L5K1yc%2f9PZYESnT1xiyy5Q%3d%3d&crl=c&resultNs=AdminWebAuth&resultLocal=ErrCrlNotAuth&crlhashurl=login.aspx%3fdirect%3dtrue%26profile%3dehost%26scope%3dsite%26authtype%3dcrawler%26jrnl%3d21648204%26AN%3d146388322), so you can offer them love in a way that they understand. But I’m jumping ahead - more about that later.

Knowing which one is our primary love language can be crucial when it comes to giving and receiving love in our relationships. 

Why? Because our love language is the main way we feel loved, and how we naturally give love as well. Picture these scenarios:

- You feel like your partner rarely shows you affection, but really, they’re giving you lots of love in their own love language and you’re missing it.

- You try hard to show your partner love, but you’re doing it in the language that’s most comfortable to you. So, your partner doesn't feel loved by all the effort you’re making.

Not ideal, right? When we’re showing love, the idea is for it to be felt by our partner, not missed.

So here’s the big idea. Knowing your partner’s love language means you can translate the love you want to give into their language, so they can feel it directly.

**Consider this**: remember that my love language is words of affirmation, but my partner’s is acts of service. When I feel the urge to read my partner a sonnet to demonstrate how much I love him, sometimes I’ll choose to do a chore or set up something nice for him instead.

Well, I’ll be honest: usually I’ll do both because I can’t help but express myself with words anyway.

But the point is, I make sure I show him love in his primary love language instead of mine, so he can sit back and feel my love without missing it, or having to translate it himself. According to research, feeling that your partner is loving you with your love language [promotes relationship satisfaction](https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.psichi.org/resource/resmgr/journal_2020/25_3_hughes.pdf).

Here’s the thing: the first 5 love languages book was originally written in 1992. There are many places where you can take a free love language test. You could also read books and resources to learn about the different love languages.

We think we can go a little deeper. Our experts have come up with three things that we’d like to explore more when it comes to the love languages:

1. **Find your kind of love** - how your partner can use the love languages to show you the kind of love you want to feel. We have a [love language quiz (free)](https://getcoupleness.com/en/quizzes/what-kind-of-love) that can help you discover your kind of love. But more on this in a minute.
 

2. **Loving ourselves** is an incredibly important piece of the puzzle. We don’t have to only turn to our partner to give us the love we need. We can practice loving ourselves so we can fill up our love tanks too. Research shows that [loving ourselves](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/pere.12182) is even more important than our love language when it comes to relationship satisfaction.
 

3. **People change and grow over time**, and our favorite way to receive love today might not be our preference tomorrow. We need to [stay curious](getcoupleness.com/en/blog/curiosity-in-relationship) and learn about our partners every day.

It all comes down to this: find out what’s important to your partner. Ask them what they need, and offer what you can. When you go through the ebbs and flows of life, let yourselves continuously re-discover how you can best love each other, and be open to what shows up.

A “What is my love language” quiz can help us understand how we naturally give/receive love.

We now want to explore the kind of love we give and receive. It doesn’t matter if your partner is showing love in your love language if you’re not that into the way that love is making you feel.

To put it another way: let’s say your love language is words of affirmation. Your partner knows this, so they make sure they tell you “I love you” at least once a day. They are hoping this makes you feel loved.

You appreciate the effort, but what you really want is for them to say words that make you feel wanted by them - flirtatious, sexy, “I gotta have you” kinds of words. So even though they’re speaking your love language, you’re not feeling the kind of love you want to feel.

Or another example: let’s say your partner’s love language is physical touch. It probably wouldn’t be enough if all you ever do is hold hands.

You’re technically touching them, but maybe they’d like a big hug sometimes to help them feel safe and cozy, or maybe they want to be tickled and feel silly, playful love with you.

**No matter what your love language is, [knowing your kind of love](https://getcoupleness.com/en/campaigns/love-quiz) can make all the difference.**

Once you’ve got that, you’re all set! Stay with me, and I’m going to show you how.

We’ve identified [five kinds of love](https://getcoupleness.com/en/campaigns/love-quiz), or five ways love can make you feel:

1. **Connected** - I feel seen and understood by my partner

2. **Desired** - I feel wanted by my partner

3. **Inspired** - I am challenged to be my best

4. **Playful** - we can be silly together and life feels easier

5. **Safe** - I am comfortable and know my partner has my back

Love from any of the love languages can be shown to make you feel the kind of love you want to feel. 

Think of it this way: quality time is one of the five love languages, right? Here are five ways you can have quality time with your partner, in all five kinds of love:

- **“Connected” quality time** could be telling stories and sharing your thoughts about life.

- **“Desired” quality time** could be having sex and being intimate.

- **“Inspired” quality time** could be trying something new and adventurous.

- **“Playful” quality time** could be playing games or joking around.

- **“Safe” quality time** could be snuggling on the couch with a movie or show.

See how one love language can be used in all five kinds of love? Even if quality time isn’t your love language, if the kind of love you want to feel is Safe, snuggling on the couch could very well help you feel the kind of love you want.

So what does all this mean? You can start with a “what is your love language” test, but finding out your kind of love can be a real game changer. We’ve taken the idea of a 5 love languages quiz for couples to the next level.

#### **Now it’s your turn. [Take this quiz to find out your kind of love.](https://getcoupleness.com/en/quizzes/what-kind-of-love)**

Your results from this love test will help you learn how to use the love languages in your relationship, and let you and your partner feel the kind of love you want to feel. Are you ready to feel the love of your dreams?

Have you ever wondered: what are love languages? How many love languages are there? What are the different love languages? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

How to use the 5 love languages in your relationship

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A date night with your partner doesn’t have to be fancy or cliche.

Going on dates can improve your relationship in a number of ways.

One date night a month is the sweet spot for a happy relationship.

We have 18 date ideas in six different categories that support your relationship.

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<small>Relationship Expert Maya Maria Brown talks about date nights in your relationship.</small>

- [What is a date night?](#what)

- [Why going on dates with your partner is important](#why)

- [How often should you have date night?](#often)

- [How to be romantic on dates with your partner](#romantic)

- [18 date ideas for your relationship](#ideas)

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all go on Hollywood-style dates? We dream of having the time, energy and money to get dressed up and go to expensive restaurants, take quick trips to Paris, or go out for a night at the opera.

The truth is, many of us don’t have the time, energy and money to do those things. And some of us don’t even have the desire to do those things!

Well here’s the good news: dates with your life partner don’t have to be big, fancy and extravagant (though they can be if you want!). What’s your idea of a perfect date? Whether it’s cooking dinner together, going for a walk, skydiving, or dancing, we say: go for it.

So, what is a date night for couples? Here’s how we define it:

A date is an intentional block of time that a couple spends together without their children, work or other responsibilities present.

That’s it! It could be 10 minutes or 10 hours, at home or in motion, as long as it’s on purpose and you’re together.

If you’re looking for good date ideas, or what to do for date night, you’re in the right place! Let’s dive in and check out everything from couple date ideas, to how to plan a date night, to date ideas for when it's raining.

Let’s face it: many couples fall into a routine together over time. You know the deal. Life can get repetitive when all our time goes towards work, the kids, the house, the family - and our partner starts to feel more like a roommate than our love.

Game over? Hardly! Date nights can change all of that.

- [Maintaining a satisfying relationship](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211000436) requires more than just managing conflict and keeping the peace. We need to have intentional positive interactions and fun experiences together.

- Couples who have [regular, meaningful date nights](https://www.thecouplescenter.org/5-less-known-reasons-date-night-important/) are 3x less likely to divorce, and are up to 4x happier as individuals.

- [Sexual satisfaction](https://www.thecouplescenter.org/5-less-known-reasons-date-night-important/) is 3.3 times greater for men and 3.5 times greater for women when the effort is made to connect with each other regularly.

- Spending [designated “date” time together](https://fridaywereinlove.com/regular-date-nights/) can help you [improve communication](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/communication-skills-in-a-relationship), increase intimacy, [de-stress together](https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/5-reasons-date-night-important/), turn on sexual desire, build memories together, and of course, have fun!

Pretty convincing, right? So, now we have the why. Let’s take a look at the how.

Let me guess: you have a busy life. Maybe your job is demanding, you have kids that take up all of your time, the chores list is never ending… I imagine all of that is true and more.

And you’re afraid that if you don’t have the perfect date ideas every week or the most romantic things to do all the time, your relationship won’t make it.

We’ve all been there. And fortunately, the research is on our side.

- More dates doesn’t necessarily equal more happiness. A [recent study of 10,000 couples](https://www.theknot.com/content/successful-marriage-date-night-study) with young children monitored those couples for 10 years.

- The couples who did a date night once per month stayed together at higher rates than couples who had dates once a week, or less often than once a month.

- Going on dates more often, like once a week, might result in too much stress about planning the date, too much money being spent, or not enough time to get things done at home.

- Bottom line: aim for a special date with your partner once a month.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have quality time more often than that. On the contrary; you can try to have special moments and meaningful or fun time together as often as you can!

But you don’t have to feel pressure to plan a big night of romance more than once a month.

When it comes to planning date nights, try [taking turns](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/invisible-labor-in-relationships). That way, neither of you needs to stress about planning dates all the time, and you both get to have a say in what you do.

When it comes to a long term relationship, romance can feel out of reach as we grow more comfortable with each other. But if we define romance, we’ll see that two people can be romantic with each other no matter how long they’ve been together.

So, what is romance? Depending on who you ask, romance could be about mystery, excitement, passion, and a break from everyday life. But we can turn to the world of psychology for how we define romantic love:

A [type of love](https://dictionary.apa.org/romantic-love) in which intimacy and passion are prominent features.

So to be one of those romantic couples, look for ways to bring intimacy and passion into your romantic date night ideas - keep reading for our tips.

And when it comes to why romance is important, it turns out that intimacy and passion are two of the three components of the [triangular theory of love](http://www.robertjsternberg.com/love), developed by Robert Sternberg. (The third component is commitment - something date nights can help you express and experience.)

One way to come up with romantic ideas is to have romance, meaning intimacy and closeness, in mind as a motivation for planning a date.

When the goal of your date night is to pursue something positive, like to feel more connected or learn something new together, you’re more likely to feel closer as a couple afterwards than if your goal was to avoid something negative, like to not have a fight.

Let’s put all this into action: our list of 18 date ideas for your relationship!

Since date night is supposed to break the everyday routines, we need to make sure our dates don’t become routine as well!

We’ve identified six areas in the relationship that, according to research, are key aspects of a happy and healthy relationship. We have date ideas for each area, so you can go on dates that really nourish your relationship in different ways. Check them out!

[Dr. Terri Orbuch](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/love-doctor)’s research shows that we all have a biological need to feel valued. We can feel appreciated by many people in our lives, but it’s particularly meaningful when we feel special to our partners.

We also know that [expressing gratitude](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/gratitude-journaling) can bring lots of benefits, like feeling more joy, getting better sleep, and feeling less lonely.

These appreciation date ideas can help you highlight and celebrate the things in life, and about each other, that you are grateful for.

- **Go to a play or sporting event** that one of you really loves so you can share the experience together. Whoever chose it, tell your partner what makes you appreciate it. And the other person can find things they value from the experience as well!

- **Volunteer together**, like at an animal shelter, soup kitchen or local nonprofit, to give back to your community together. See if you can recognize the role that gratitude plays in the experience, from others and yourselves.

- **Draw portraits of each other**, but don’t worry about your artistic skills. Use images and words to express the things you love the most about your partner, and then share the portraits you made with each other.

[Commitment to the relationship](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-8569947/AI-reveals-sexual-satisfaction-commitment-predictors-relationships-success.html) - that is, how engaged and dedicated we feel our partner is to our relationship - is proven to be the most important factor in relationship satisfaction.

These date ideas help you show your commitment to one another, helping you both feel happy and satisfied in your relationship.

- **Take your partner to a place that’s meaningful to them**, like their favorite park or their childhood home. That will help them feel like you know them and value the things that are important to them.

- **Create a physical photo album** with photos from your relationship, and share memories you have from your time together

- If you were to **make vows to each other today**, what would they be? Write them down and read them to each other. Come up with a secret handshake or action that solidifies your commitments to each other.

[Intimacy and affection](http://www.robertjsternberg.com/love) often cited as an important factor in relationships. This could be considered things like feeling connected, close and bonded with one another, and can include sexuality and sensuality as well.

These date ideas bring you closer together, literally and figuratively, introducing you to new ways of being intimate together.


- **Take a tantric yoga class** together (in person or online) to tap into a more spiritual or sensual way of connecting.

- **Pick a morning when you can stay in bed** and don’t have to rush into the day. Have breakfast in bed and enjoy each other in a cozy, stress-free environment.

- **Write love letters to each other** and read them out loud to each other. Try making eye contact as you share your words so you connect as you express yourselves. Keep your phones in another room to be as present with each other as possible.

According to the Gottman Institute, [curiosity is one of the keys](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/curiosity-in-relationship) to a strong relationship. So showing your interest in your partner’s life and experience is crucial.

Research also shows that familiar, comfortable dates like dinner and a movie can temporarily boost your relationship, but doing exciting activities that open you up to new experiences and perspectives can [enhance and maintain your connection](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211000436) as a couple.

So these date ideas are all about learning about each other and trying new things, so you can keep excitement and discovery alive in your relationship.

- **Go for a walk and answer** these [100 questions for your relationship](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/100-questions-for-your-relationship). Ask each other follow-up questions to go deeper into each other’s answers.

- **Go to an escape room** or scavenger hunt where you can work together on a quest.

- **Sign up for a course together** (online or in person), or take up a hobby that’s new for both of you. Maybe something like knitting, gardening, sailing or writing poetry.

We can’t forget to laugh together! As adults, we rarely have the opportunity to let loose and be silly. [Having fun as a couple](https://extension.usu.edu/files-ou/publications/newsletter/FC_Relationships_2011-04pr.pdf) can bring out positive emotions that strengthen your connection and increase relationship satisfaction.

These fun date ideas will help you play and laugh together.

- **Go to a standup comedy show**, or watch a comedy special on Netflix. Don’t be afraid to laugh out loud!

- **Go to an adventure hall**, obstacle course, minigolf course, or other fun place where you can be physical and play together.

- **Learn how to juggle** with YouTube videos, and try juggling with different (non-fragile) household items.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have a lot of feelings, and our feelings affect so much of what we do. [Sharing our feelings with our partner](https://app.adjust.com/b2b4qtn) - the good and the bad - can help us feel closer and build trust.

These date ideas will help you break down barriers to communication, giving you tools to share your feelings with each other in ways that feel safe and meaningful.

- **Watch a movie together** that means something to you, and talk about it afterwards. Share how different parts of the movie make you feel.

- **Have a karaoke night** and choose songs that match how you feel. You’re not trying to win any singing competitions - let loose and let the song guide you.

- **Take a nonviolent communication course** so you can learn how to express yourselves in loving ways, even through conflicts.

Whether you’re planning for pure romance, or looking for fun date ideas, you’ve come to the right place.

18 date ideas for your relationship

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Many of the clients I see are new parents who are feeling the loss of their old sex life. This is not just about the physical act of sex or even the intimacy that is lost between the couple, but also the feeling of loss in their own sexual autonomy.

For new parents, the primary caregiver is usually the one feeling tapped out from physical intimacy, as they are getting all of their (non sexual) physical needs met by the baby. When the baby is asleep the primary caregiver is often not wanting physical contact as they have had a baby attached to their hip all day, and the idea of sex can feel like a chore.

If the primary caregiver is breastfeeding then they can feel like their body is for nourishment (which is not very sexy). Breast feeding also makes hormones fluctuate, which often lowers the drive to have sex. 

The other partner can feel left out from the intimacy that is happening between their partner and their baby. They might be craving affection at the end of the day and feel the loss of their partner not being able to provide this for them. This can unfortunately lead to jealousy and even resentment, as they have gone from being the most important person in their partner's life to what feels like second best.

On top of the above, we also have many other factors to deal with, which can include:

- Sleepless nights

- Financial concerns

- Huge changes to daily life

- Messy home

- Crying babies

- Vulva and vaginal pain

- Other health issues

Often the biggest shift is what happens to a parent’s identity. They may have had a vibrant social life, or a full sex life, or a passion for fitness. Many new parents have these aspects taken away, which leads them to ask the question, “Who am I?”

The first step is to move closer to the version of yourself that makes you feel like you. We need to start outside of the bedroom to have energy to move into the bedroom.

Maybe your partner can look after the baby one night a week (or even for an hour) while you go to that yoga class, or paint, or have coffee with your friend. What makes you feel like you?  Make a plan and try to do it once a week.

Ideally you would have a regular date night, yet for many people this is not possible. If it’s not feasible, then try to create a space once a week where the energy is different.

It can be a date on the sofa while the baby is asleep. Chill the fancy wine, share a bath together and talk about something other than the baby (even if it's just for a couple of hours).

What's important about this time is that it’s intentional. Put away your phones and be present together. Knowing this time is coming can create the potential for you to look forward to it.

When you are ready, you can start building some physical intimacy back into your relationship. This can start with extended hugs on the sofa, back rubs in the bath and massages in the bed.

Some people find it helpful to take sex (either penetration or any form of sex) off the table for the time being. This is important if one person is not in the right space for sex.

This conversation can create safety for connecting physically, as there is no fear that it might go to a place that either of you is not ready for. This is an important first step, as if you are shying away from hugs, you wont feel safe to get back into a sexual space.

When both of you are ready to put sex back on the table, consent becomes more of a daily practice. For example, if your partner would like penetration and you do not, you can say “I am not up for penetration today, but I would like oral sex / a kiss / to hold hands.”

By considering what you are happy with, it keeps you from shutting out your partner completely. Instead, you are meeting each other where you are both comfortable. 

Sex can become very serious in these situations. Try to be silly and have fun with your partner. If it doesn’t go to plan, that's okay! Try to not let it ruin your day. Find the humor in it - you can always try again soon.

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Becky is a sex and relationship psychotherapist who specializes in working with women and vulva owners, as well as LGBTQIA+ folk, to release shame and move towards pleasure. She is a podcaster, has worked as a relationship expert on channel 4 and is the creator of LustYoga.

5 tips for you and your sex life after having children

Sex stress for new parents

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Our days are filled with habits, both good and bad.

It’s easier to build new good habits than to break bad ones.

There are certain relationship characteristics and habits that can support happy relationships.

Experts share tips for how to start and maintain healthy habits in your relationship.

- [What are healthy habits?](#what)

- [Habits of happy couples](#habits)

- [3 characteristics of a healthy relationship](#characteristics)

- [How to start and keep good daily habits](#how)

- [6 tips for building healthy habits in your relationship](#tips)

Have you ever found yourself going through your day on autopilot? We all have our routines and everyday habits - good and bad.

You know the deal. We get into rhythms and behaviors that start to feel natural, and maybe we don't even think about them anymore.

We are starting to pay more attention to our habits in recent decades, thanks to books like [The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People](https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits/), [Atomic Habits](https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits), and [Tiny Habits](https://tinyhabits.com/). So let’s take a closer look.

A habit is a behavior or practice that is repeated regularly, and can be hard to stop or give up.

Good, healthy habits are a great thing. They can help us reach our goals, and live the lives we want to live.

Bad habits can keep us in negative cycles, and can be hard to break.

The truth is, it’s [easier to build a new good habit](https://www.lifehack.org/668583/why-forming-a-new-good-habit-is-easier-than-breaking-a-bad-one) than it is to stop a bad one. We all know the feeling. Even if we know a behavior is bad for us, like eating a lot of sugar, if it feels good in the moment, that outweighs the knowledge that it’s detrimental in the long run.

We're here to help you build positive habits that can benefit your life and relationship. Changing behavior in relationships can be tricky, but focusing on how to better a relationship can lead to more good qualities in a relationship.

Keep reading to learn some good relationship qualities, and check out our list of [10 happy habits for every couple](https://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/10-habits-for-relationships) for inspiration.

Let’s be honest. We all want to be that happy couple with all the good qualities in a relationship that we see on TV.

The question is, what are the qualities of a good partner? What are the relationship traits that lead to happy marriages and strong couples? What do couples do in a relationship to stay in love?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is no magic formula. What makes couples happy can vary. Though we know of some healthy relationship characteristics that can help you build healthy relationship habits.

**1. Make small efforts every day.**

One thing that can lead to a happy couple is if you ask yourself how to be better in a relationship on a regular basis. When you are both engaged with the relationship and want it to continuously grow and improve, you are demonstrating your commitment. Studies show that [how committed you feel your partner is](https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-8569947/AI-reveals-sexual-satisfaction-commitment-predictors-relationships-success.html) to your relationship is the best predictor of how happy you are in your relationship.

**2. Stay curious about each other.**

Another aspect of your relationship that can make a couple happy is [curiosity](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/curiosity-in-relationship). When you ask your partner questions about their day or experiences, you are showing them that you care about them. You are also maintaining a mindset of discovery, which helps you keep that feeling of excitement you had learning about each other in the early days of your relationship.

**3. Share your feelings with each other.**

[Sharing your feelings with your partner](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/sharing-feelings-in-a-relationship) is one of the most important qualities of a relationship for healthy couples. It helps you discover each other’s inner worlds, celebrate good things together, and support each other through hard times. Happy relationships don’t require happy people; it’s about sharing the full spectrum of who we are with each other.*1. 

There are other traits in a relationship that can help you be a healthy couple, but those three are key. You’re welcome to [learn more healthy couple habits here](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/10-habits-for-relationships).

We can’t stop now though. Let’s take a look at how we can stick with the relationship habits we want to build. We’ve gathered the best tips out there.

We might not be able to be one of those lovely couples from Disney, but we can still have a happy, healthy relationship. Building good habits, like these, is one way to do that.

Maybe you want to get better at showing appreciation for your partner, or you’d like to experience more intimacy in your relationship. Some people want to have more fun together, and others would like to have better teamwork. Regardless of what habit you’d like to start, it can be helpful to understand how to build habits in the first place.

So how do we do that? Here’s what you can do.

**1. Set specific goals.**

[Jonathan Alpert](https://www.businessinsider.com/new-years-resolutions-failure-advice-jonathan-alpert-2018-12?r=US&IR=T), a psychotherapist, says that we are more likely to quit pursuing a goal if it’s vague. Be specific in the habits you want to build with clear ways to track your progress.

**2. Aim for positive over negative habits.**

Alpert also tells us that positive self-talk sets us up for success. Instead of identifying habits you want to avoid, come up with habits you actively want to pursue.

**3. Change your mindset too.**

[Kathy Caprino](https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2019/12/21/the-top-3-reasons-new-years-resolutions-fail-and-how-yours-can-succeed/) says that some of the habits we want to change will keep repeating themselves until we make an adjustment within ourselves. Sometimes, an external issue can be solved with an internal shift.

**4. Think about the little things.**

Trying to make big changes quickly can set us up for failure. [BJ Fogg](https://www.npr.org/2020/02/25/809256398/tiny-habits-are-the-key-to-behavioral-change?t=1639483068414) says it's best to break down our goals into small steps that are much easier to tackle.

**5. Use existing routines as a starting point.**

BJ Fogg also says that attaching new habits to ones you already have makes them easier to stick with. Your new habit will be built on existing "scaffolding" and you'll associate it with things you already do, making it easier to remember.

**6. Be clear about who you want to be.**

[James Clear](https://alifeofproductivity.com/6-nuggets-from-atomic-habits-by-james-clear/) says, “The most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become.” Choose to build habits that support the kind of person you want to be.

Now that you know how to build healthy habits in your relationship, it’s time to figure out which habits you want to work on! Come take a look at our [top 10 habits for your relationship](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/10-habits-for-relationships) (and which habits to avoid).

Being a happy couple can be the result of the habits you form in your relationship. Learn about the characteristics of a good relationship, and how you can stick with healthy habits.

How to build healthy habits in your relationship

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In most relationships, one or both people do some invisible labor.

Invisible labor is unpaid work that isn't seen or acknowledged by anyone else.

It can be helpful to talk about the division of labor in your relationship.

Each couple can find a rhythm and recognition plan that works for them.

- [Introducing the relationship checklist](#introducing)

- [The checklist of responsibilities in a relationship](#list)

- [What comes next](#next)

Our list of responsibilities and tasks - including [invisible labor](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/invisible-labor) - that are part of everyday life for couples. It may not capture everything that happens in your home, family and relationship, so feel free to add your own. It’s a win-win when you can open your eyes to the work you are both doing, and perhaps find new ways you can make each other’s lives easier!

- Do the dishes

- Take out the trash

- Cook meals

- Have a job that brings in money

- Manage the family finances, setting up savings accounts and investments

- Drive your kids or partner to school or wherever they need to go, making sure everyone is on time and where they need to be

- Take care of the lawn and garden, or indoor plants

- Do laundry and fold everyone’s clothes

- Tidy up spaces by cleaning surfaces, making the bed, putting toys away

- Remember to schedule appointments at the doctor, dentist and vet

- Clean the floors, being a master of that broom/mop/vacuum cleaner

- Do errands like grocery shopping, picking up the dry cleaning, buying cleaning supplies

- Prepare the house when guests are coming

- Do minor fixes, like replacing light bulbs, fixing wobbly tables, replacing flat pillows, changing batteries

- Manage emails for the family, like communications with the kids’ school, neighborhood activities, family group chains, etc.

- Buy new clothes for your children or partner to make sure everything fits and everyone looks at least somewhat presentable

- Be the IT manager of the home, making sure the wifi is working, fixing any technological issues

- Take care of the car, making sure it goes in for repairs and checks

- Arrange things in the home to be cozy and comfortable, fluffing the couch cushions, lighting candles

- Manage contact with authorities, like the health insurance company, the bank, your accountant and the IRS

- Grab a baseball bat and brave the dark hallways to check out a sound coming from outside the front door in the middle of the night

- Call a plumber or repair person when something in the house is broken

- Clean the bathroom

- Make sure the bills are paid

- Do research before making big decisions and purchases, carefully thinking through options and outcomes

- Plan family vacations, booking travel and lodging and making the schedule for the trip

- Assign chores to different members of the family to make sure everything gets done

- Project far into the future, making sure the family will be in a good position financially down the road

- Take the initiative to plan dates and special experiences for you as a couple

- Plan birthday parties and celebrations according to how your children or partner like to be celebrated

- Manage the family’s social calendar, keeping track of who has been invited to dinner, when you last saw your family friends, and playdate schedules.

- Buy holiday gifts and presents for people whose birthday parties you or your children are going to

- Teach your children or partner new things, helping them learn different ways of taking care of things

- Maintain contact with your extended family and friends, staying connected

- Bring up romance and intimacy in your relationship, making sure you and your partner feel connected

- Be someone people in the family come to when they’re upset and need a shoulder to cry on

- Listen to your children or partner as they talk about their day and things they want to share

- Keep track of and worry about how everyone in the family is feeling

- Mediate conflicts within the family and helping resolve interpersonal issues

- Bring up “tough” conversations that need to happen, like the sex talk with the kids, or talking through something in the relationship that doesn’t feel good

Ready to invest in your relationship? Download [Coupleness](getcoupleness.com), a relationship app full of practical tools, tips and inspiration for how to deepen your relationship.

Coupleness has put together a list of responsibilities and tasks that are part of everyday life for couples.

Checklist for sharing the work in your relationship

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Acknowledging and sharing how we feel is important when in a relationship.

There are over 4,000 English words for feelings, which are different from emotions.

Being specific about what we’re feeling has health and relationship benefits.

There are steps we can take to learn how to share our feelings.

<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6xCS8Lv6YlI"></iframe>
<small>Relationship Expert Maya Maria Brown talks about sharing feelings in a relationship.</small>

- [Why feelings can help us to be loved](#why)

- [What is the difference between feelings and emotions](#what)

- [Getting specific can help when sharing feelings](#getting)

- [Feeling the emotional rollercoaster](#feeling)

- [3 tips for how to express your feelings](#3tips)

Do you find that talking about how you feel can be really difficult?

To be honest, there are a lot of reasons why sharing feelings is tough. It can be hard to feel safe enough with someone to open up. We want to protect ourselves, or we were told that our experience isn’t valid. And some of us just don’t know how to identify or share how we feel.

We’ve all been there. It makes sense that we hesitate to reveal our true selves.

But in reality, we all have all kinds of feelings, all the time. They affect us in different ways as we go through life, make decisions, and interact with others.

No matter what our [love language](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/love-languages) is, sharing how we feel with our partner can help us to be loved, and give love to each other. It can increase romantic feelings and feelings of love, and help us better support each other. Expressing ourselves can build an emotional connection and satisfy our emotional needs.

So it’s probably a good idea to understand what it is we’re actually talking about.

The difference between feelings and emotions is that our emotions come from physical and hormonal reactions to things, and our feelings come from our mind’s interpretations of the world around us.

It’s easy to think that “emotions” is just another word for feelings. But they are actually quite different.

Let’s get technical. [Dr. Bryn Farnsworth](https://imotions.com/blog/difference-feelings-emotions/) explains that an **emotion** is associated with bodily reactions that are brought on by neurotransmitters and hormones from the brain. A **feeling** is the conscious experience of these emotional reactions.

What does that mean? There are a limited number of emotions that humans experience, so emotion words are limited. How we feel stems from our emotions, so the feelings list is vast.

The most [common emotions](https://www.verywellmind.com/an-overview-of-the-types-of-emotions-4163976) are:

- Happiness

- Sadness

- Disgust

- Fear

- Surprise

- Anger

Ready for the real shocker? Emotions actually [only last for 90 seconds](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-right-mindset/202004/the-90-second-rule-builds-self-control). The physiological experience of an emotion moves through our systems in less than two minutes. How we feel, on the other hand, stem from these emotions and can last much longer.

While our emotions are somewhat fixed, how we feel can vary a lot. There are over 4,000 English words for feelings. Check out this [feeling words list](http://eqi.org/fw.htm) for a complete list of feelings.

How we feel is subjective, and highly dependent on the different things that make us who we are in a given moment. This can make them extremely complicated to understand and work with.

But don’t worry, that’s what we’re here for.

When we try to understand how we’re feeling, words that describe feelings might not come easily to us.

But other people don’t live in our brains and bodies. So if we want to express how we’re feeling, it can be helpful to have a rich vocabulary to pull from. Finding feelings words that match your experience can increase your chances of being understood by your partner. [Communication exercises](getcoupleness.com/en/articles/10-communication-exercises-for-your-relationship) can help us express ourselves more clearly.

Some of us feel things super deeply, and can perceive and express tiny shifts and nuances between all our different feelings.

On the other hand, some of us are only aware of the broad brush strokes: happy, sad, angry.

How specific we can be about how we feel indicates our level of [emotional granularity](https://www.forbes.com/sites/christopherrim/2020/04/24/bren-brown-and-marc-brackett-on-emotional-intelligence-during-a-pandemic/?sh=5b9dc5d1c0ae). Emotional granularity is about having a vast vocabulary for what we feel, using words to express the complexity of our inner lives.

When we have trouble identifying how we feel with specificity, this is called clumping. We group together feelings that have similarities, without understanding or acknowledging the nuances between different things that we feel.

Here’s an example: a clumper would say that they feel happy every time they are in an upbeat mood. Someone with emotional granularity would say that today they feel elated, earlier they felt relieved, and another time they felt excited.

- Less likely to have strong, explosive reactions to things

- Less likely to use substances to regulate emotions

- More likely to find positive meaning in difficult experiences

- Skilled at managing emotions, taking on new perspectives, and expressing feelings in healthy ways.

People who are clumpers are less good at all of those things, and often experience more physical and psychological difficulties than those with emotional granularity.

The good news is that we can all work on understanding how we feel, and expanding our emotional vocabulary. But first, we need to talk about the tough stuff.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could go around only feeling happy love feelings, and suppressing emotions that don’t feel good? Sure. But that wouldn’t get us very far.

It might not always feel safe or helpful to feel the full spectrum of what we feel, and to share with someone else might seem unimaginable. That’s okay; you can have boundaries and containers for what you feel so you only explore the depths of your experience when you feel supported and safe to do so.

Ultimately, it’s okay to feel the heavier and darker side of life. Things are usually less scary when we actually make space for what we feel. Our feelings are not the enemy. They are our natural reaction to the world around us, and can give us information about what we need.

If we don’t feel or process our feelings, they won’t simply go away. They stay with us, whether we acknowledge them or not. So what do we do? Let’s find out.

[Research shows](https://www.rulerapproach.org/) that there are concrete steps we can take to work with how we feel in healthy ways.

If you love someone, sharing how you feel in everyday life is a big part of building a relationship. Here are three steps you can take to practice expressing your feelings with your partner.

**1. Connect with yourself**

Many of us have blockages that prevent us from actually feeling what we feel. These barriers stop us from connecting with ourselves and other people, and what we don’t let ourselves feel ends up presenting itself in other ways (built-up anger, chronic pain, trouble sleeping, digestive issues, etc.).

Try spending time on your own - practicing mindfulness, going for a walk, listening to music - and let yourself acknowledge any feelings that come up. Working with a therapist can help you connect with your body and what you feel as well.

**2. Identify your feelings on your own**

This is where we work on our emotional granularity. A great first step is to be able to identify what we feel with broad brush strokes - sad, happy, angry, scared. But we can then learn to feel and understand the nuances and intricacies of our feelings day-to-day.

Journaling is a great way to find words to describe what you feel. You can try the [Coupleness](https://app.adjust.com/lc7a3wb) check-in for a step-by-step tool in identifying your feelings.

**3. Create a mutual space to share your feelings**

When you want to share how you feel with your partner, create the circumstances you need to be able to share and be heard.

Choose a time and place for an emotional conversation when you can both be present and focused. Ask your partner if they are ready to hear about how you feel and receive you with love. Then express yourself however you can or want to - with words, music, movement, or anything that feels right.


Sharing how you feel takes practice, and it’s okay to be afraid or uncertain. The more you try, the better both you and your partner will get at understanding and supporting each other.

To keep exploring this topic, check out these [date ideas that focus on your feelings](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/18-relationship-date-ideas-2022), try [gratitude journaling](http://getcoupleness.com/en/articles/gratitude-journaling), or [get to know the Coupleness app](getcoupleness.com/en/product).

Having words for feelings and sharing your feelings are crucial for a healthy relationship.

How to share feelings in a relationship

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I know what you’re thinking: there’s no magic formula to make our relationships amazing and never break up.

And you’re right. But…

Here’s the thing. There are things we can do to help our relationships stay strong through adversity. And there are ways that research shows us we can set ourselves up for success and avoid divorce.

Leading relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified a [ratio of positive and negative interactions](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/) that can highly accurately predict likelihood of separation.

We all fight sometimes, and working through conflict together is an inevitable - and healthy - part of our relationships.

But the way you and your partner handle conflict can say a lot about how likely you are to stay together in the long run.

The results of a study Dr. Gottman did with couples over nine years showed that this magic ratio predicted if a couple would stay together over time with over 90% accuracy.

So what’s the magic number?

Couples that are likely to stay together in a stable, happy relationship have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.

That means that if during a conflict, one of you shuts down, says something mean, dismisses the other, is extra critical, or gets defensive - all is not lost.

But it does mean that you should aim to have five positive interactions to counteract that one negative one. Positive interactions could be:

- Expressing interest in what your partner has to say

- Validating your partner’s point of view

- Being affectionate with words or physical touch

- Expressing gratitude for something you partner said or did

- Showing compassion for your partner’s experience

- Laughing together or being playful

- Apologizing or taking accountability for something you did or said

You don’t have to have a literal scorecard when working through conflict to track your positive and negative interactions (though you certainly can!). But if you want to set your relationship up for success, aim to have your positive interactions heavily outweigh your negative ones, even when deep in a conflict.


Let’s face it: a lot of people are in difficult places financially and might not have a lot of options. But regardless of your financial situation, all couples can struggle to maintain a strong relationship in the face of money, one way or another.

Studies show that in the U.S., [48% of couples argue about money](https://www.marketwatch.com/story/this-common-behavior-is-the-no-1-predictor-of-whether-youll-get-divorced-2018-01-10), and 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of divorced Boomers ended their marriages because of financial disagreements.

Money issues could mean everything from thinking your partner spends too much or is too frugal, you disagree about how to handle your debt, you feel out of control financially, you struggle to handle unexpected expenses, or have different financial priorities.

During a recession, things can get tricky for couples who already struggle financially. Couples that are [most affected by the recession](https://visual.ly/community/Infographics/economy/how-relationships-are-affected-recession) are 8x more likely to separate than couples who are the least affected.

Whatever your money situation is, have regular conversations with your partner about your financial situation, goals and plans. If you can stay on the same page when it comes to money, you’ll be in a better position to handle your financial ups and downs together.

We all want to desire our partner, right? It feels great to be wanted. We don’t want that longing for the other person that is so present early on in a relationship to fade over time.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel helps us understand that [we can’t desire something that we already have completely](https://www.estherperel.com/blog/when-are-you-drawn-to-your-partner-in-long-term-relationships). Distance, or separateness, is required for us to feel that we are drawn to our partner.

At the same time, it’s important to feel safe and secure in our relationships. It’s the closeness and the deep knowing that grows over time that helps us feel connected and seen.

So how can we feel closeness and distance at the same time?

Interdependence is in that cozy, exciting space between codependence and independence. You don’t want to feel so enmeshed in your partner that you are completely confined and can’t breathe. You also don’t want to feel so separate that you are lonely and not wanted.

In Esther Perel’s work, she has seen that people are most drawn to their partners when:

- My partner is in their element, doing something they are good at or passionate about

- My partner and I are apart for some time, like when they travel or spend time out of the house

- My partner surprises me by being silly, sweet or vulnerable

- I see my partner in new ways, like at social events, and I see what others appreciate in them

To help maintain the balance of closeness and desire in your relationship, try doing those four things regularly. Support each other with your passions, spend time away from each other on your own, surprise each other, and do social things together.


“[Invisible labor](https://getcoupleness.com/en/blog/invisible-labor-in-relationships)” is a term for work that is unpaid, unseen and unacknowledged.

Invisible labor could be:

- Physical things like running errands and doing chores

- Logistical things like making appointments and planning parties

- Emotional things like holding someone when they cry or bringing up important conversations

When one person in a relationship is doing the majority of the invisible labor, it can have numerous negative impacts. It can lead to feelings of emptiness, and lower satisfaction in life and in your relationship. It can also [affect your mental health](https://mashable.com/article/what-is-invisible-labor), causing emotional distress and negative feelings.

In general, women are doing much more invisible work than men. According to the United Nations, [women do three out of every four hours of unpaid labor](https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/12/the-invisible-work-that-women-do-around-the-world/420372/) around the world.

To keep your relationship strong, start by getting a sense of the division of invisible labor in your relationship. This [free invisible labor quiz](https://getcoupleness.com/en/quizzes/invisible-labor) and this [list of responsibilities](https://getcoupleness.com/en/blog/responsibilities-checklist) can help you get started. Notice and thank each other the efforts you both are making. Checking in about invisible labor regularly can help you feel more appreciated, and avoid building resentment.

[Taking care of our mental health](https://getcoupleness.com/en/blog/loving-someone-with-anxiety-and-depression) is crucial for our individual well-being. Whether or not you have a mental health challenge, everyone can invest in their mental wellness.

Things like going to therapy, exercising, sleeping well, [sharing our feelings](https://getcoupleness.com/en/blog/sharing-feelings-in-a-relationship) with someone we trust, being creative, and journaling are all beneficial for our mental health.

When it comes to our relationships, our mental health and our relationships can positively impact one another.

[Being happy in your relationship](https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/statistics/relationships-community-statistics#:~:text=Couple%20relationships,people%20who%20are%20unhappily%20married.) is shown to lower stress and depression. And feeling supported with your individual mental health helps you be more present with your partner and in your relationship.

By prioritizing your own mental well-being, you are laying the foundation for your relationship. Just like they say on airplanes, you need to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. When you are taken care of, you’re in a better position to connect with your partner.

Dr. Gottman has done it again! He’s found another way to accurately predict divorce, and it’s something very practical you can work on.

He talks about [bids for connection](https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/), which are attempts from one partner to another to connect in some way. A bid could be as simple as a smile or reaching for your partner’s hand, or it could be wanting to share a story or ask for advice.

This image identifies 14 small ways someone might make a bid for connection:

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There are three ways we can respond to a bid for connection: turn towards (accept the bid and engage with your partner), turn away (ignore the bid), or turn against (reject the bid, with things like defensiveness, shutting your partner down, being critical, or dismissing them)

Here’s the juicy part: couples that stay married over time respond turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples that eventually get divorced turn towards each other’s bids just 33% of the time.

To keep your relationship happy and healthy in the long run, do your best to turn towards each other’s invitations to connect. The more you respond positively to each other, the more likely you are to stay together.

If you want to stay together, these 6 tips can help you navigate challenges and keep your relationship strong

6 relationship tips to help you avoid breaking up or divorce

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There are more and more podcasts out there that can help us be better versions of ourselves. Investing in our own well-being and personal growth can support our relationships. When we feel better, we have more to give our relationships.

Check out these five podcasts for tips and inspiration on investing in yourself, challenging yourself, and supporting and loving who you are.

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Glennon Doyle is an author and activist who has written three bestselling books, including “Untamed,” which is being made into a TV show. She writes powerful, authentic memoirs, sharing stories of her own journey to live more true to herself.

Her podcast [“We Can Do Hard Things”](http://wecandohardthingspodcast.com/) features conversations she has with her wife, Abby Wambach, and her sister, Amanda Doyle. They discuss topics like sex and sexuality, invisible labor, empowerment, feeling stuck, sobriety and mental health. They also have guests on who share their stories, including Melissa McCarthy, Celeste Ng, and Dr. Yaba Blay.


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Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher and professor, focusing on courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. She has written several bestselling books, and her TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world. She also has a Netflix special called “The Call to Courage,” and a show on HBO Max called “Atlas of the Heart.”

Her podcast [“Unlocking Us” ](https://brenebrown.com/podcast-show/unlocking-us/)taps into the things that make us deeply human. It aims to help us live, love, parent, and lead with more courage and heart. With guests like the Gottmans, Viola Davis and Emmanuel Acho, they discuss topics like fear, toxic positivity, joy and connection, big tech, and justice.


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Dax Shepard is an actor, comedian and filmmaker, and Monica Padman is an actor and producer. Together they have hosted their podcast since 2018.

Their podcast [“Armchair Expert” ](https://armchairexpertpod.com/)celebrates the messiness of being human (a tagline they like to make fun of themselves for). They interview celebrities and experts on a wide variety of topics, focusing each interview on the key experiences and insights the guest has gained as they have lived and learned. Their guests include Barack Obama, Malcolm Gladwell, Zazie Beetz, Stacey Abrams, and many experts you’ve never heard of but whose books you will now immediately want to read.

![ab6765630000ba8a7fff1b118bfc04498b68771b.jpeg](https://couplenesscontent.blob.core.windows.net/strapicontent/strapicontent/assets/ab6765630000ba8a7fff1b118bfc04498b68771b_8bd83c9828.jpeg)

Justin Baldoni is an actor and director, Liz Plank is an author and journalist, and Jamey Heath is an award winning music producer. They have come together to explore what it means to be a man, and what it means to be human.

Their podcast [“Man Enough”](https://manenough.com/podcast/) features guests who talk about messages about masculinity they’ve received, relationships, body image, privilege, fatherhood, sex, success, mental health and more. Their guests include Jason Wilson, Rainn Wilson, Alok, Matthew McConaughey, and Alyssa Milano.

![https___assets.pippa.io_shows_60de02933064acf44aff4eac_show-cover.jpg](https://couplenesscontent.blob.core.windows.net/strapicontent/strapicontent/assets/https_assets_pippa_io_shows_60de02933064acf44aff4eac_show_cover_30da251637.jpg)

Nina Campioni is a Swedish journalist, writer and presenter. She contributes to publications like Aftonbladet and Motherhood, with a passion for supporting people during parenthood.

Her podcast [“Vattnet Går”](https://play.acast.com/s/vattnet-gar) features powerful and funny interviews with women - famous and not - that focus on fertility, pregnancy and parenthood. Her guests have included [list a few big Swedish names]. Most of the episodes are in Swedish.

Which podcasts focus on wellness, self-care, and how to be the best versions of ourselves.

Our top 5 podcasts about wellness and growth

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People often say their wedding went by in the blink of an eye. Or that they barely sat down or had anything to eat. Maybe they never had a moment alone with their new spouse.

I’m here to help you avoid these common wedding pitfalls and truly make the most of your wedding day.

Here are 5 tips to help you have the best wedding day ever.

**1. Take 15 minutes alone together** after the ceremony before joining everyone else.

**2. Choose three things you really care about** (like the kiss after "I do," dancing to your favorite song, eating the cake) and make sure those happen the way you want, and let everything else go.

**3. Remember to breathe** - have a friend or family member remind you throughout the day to stop and take a deep breath and really take in the moment.

**4. If there's a song you really want to hear or dance to**, have someone on duty to check with the band/DJ when it's going to be so you don't miss it.

**5. Have a "couple spot"** like a sweethearts table where you can be together for a certain amount of time. That way, you can stick together and people can come to you, and you can have special time with each guest. That’s also a great time to eat!

Don’t let your wedding day pass by in a flash. Here are some tips to make the most of your wedding.

How to have the best wedding day ever

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My husband and I got engaged in September 2018, and got married in August 2019. Those 11 months were spent deep in wedding planning mode (and, you know, doing our jobs and having social lives on occasion).

Such a happy time, right? Reality check: [a Zola survey](https://www.zola.com/expert-advice/5-effective-ways-to-fight-wedding-planning-stress) found that 96% of couples say that wedding planning was stressful - and 40% of those couples said wedding planning was “extremely stressful.” Yikes!

And how about this truth bomb: 43% of couples say that wedding planning put a strain on their relationship. That’s not what we want!

Hopefully, couples planning their weddings can use [Coupleness](https://app.adjust.com/ds5r71m) to check in with each other throughout the process. But there are other things you can do to manage the stress and stay connected as you plan.

Using my own experience, and what I’ve learned supporting other couples as they planned their weddings, I’m going to share 8 tips for prioritizing your relationship when planning your wedding.

Wedding planning can be stressful and cause tension - but it can also be beautiful and meaningful. Check out our tips for how to support your relationship when planning your wedding.