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We have all heard that communication is key in a relationship. One of the main reasons why couples break up is communication issues. So it’s important that we understand what communication is, why it’s hard to do, and how we can get better at it.

First things first: what is communication? Simply put, it’s the sending and receiving of information. We communicate in a lot of ways. It can be practical, or emotional. It can be verbal, written, or non-verbal, which includes our body language and our silences. And we can communicate explicitly, which is what we say directly, or implicitly, which is where there is deeper meaning between the lines.

So, as you can see, there are a lot of aspects to communication, and that means there are a lot of ways we can struggle to communicate effectively:

- Some of us formed bad habits growing up. Maybe we had a parent who refused to talk about things that were difficult, or we witnessed a lot of yelling or shutting down, and we find ourselves doing those same behaviors.

- Some of us have trouble understanding our own feelings, which makes it hard to communicate how we feel with someone else.

- For some of us, our feelings come through loud and clear on our faces, and others are super hard to read.

- And for a lot of us, we struggle with communication in our relationship simply because we have so much going on in our lives that we just can’t communicate about anything other than what gets us through the day.

But here’s the thing - no matter where we’re coming from, working on our communication can be crucial to the health of our relationship. Some reasons why communication is important are:

- Communication helps us understand each other better, and build trust and security in our relationships.

- When we share our feelings, we learn about each other’s inner worlds, experiences, and dreams for the future.

- Having good communication lets you and your partner handle conflict and arguments better. Having great communication helps you and your partner avoid some of those conflicts altogether.

- Communicating well leads to an easier time navigating daily tasks and dividing responsibilities fairly, increases our intimacy and connection, and helps us feel seen and known by each other.

The truth is, we’re not mind readers. What’s obvious to you might not always be obvious to your partner. They might not know how you feel or what you need unless you communicate that to them. Coupleness is all about helping you improve your communication so you can experience all the benefits with your partner. The daily tracker is a great first step in communicating how you feel and why with each other. The Question of the Day can be a springboard into new, fun and meaningful conversations.

There is one simple change that can make a big difference in your relationship. The next audio clip introduces an idea that takes just 10 minutes a day, but can make all the difference. Keep listening to our audio guide for more tips on how to improve your communication in your relationship.


So many of us want to work on our communication. We’re here to understand why communication is important, and how Coupleness can help.

Communication in a relationship

10 - COMMUNICATION IN A RELATIONSHIP.mp3

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Coupleness was born out of frustration when Jenny and Ted, our co-founders, met and realized they shared a problem. They were really feeling how tough it can be to juggle kids, family, friends, work and a relationship in their busy everyday lives. They couldn’t find any tools for their relationships that were simple, easy, fun and affordable, so as the visionary superstars that they are, they decided to make one.

They already knew the problem oh-so-well, so for months, they dove deep into figuring out what can support relationships over time. Their shared vision is to make it as popular and mainstream to invest in your relationship as it is to go for a run. People tend to put a lot of time and energy into supporting their individual well-being, and now it’s time we be proactive with our relationships as well.

As a member of the Coupleness community, you probably have something in common with us, the Coupleness team. You might be like Jenny, who has two small kids and a super busy job, and loves finding new ways to make the most of what little free time she has with her partner. Then there’s Ted, who struggled to follow the highs and lows of his partner’s day, and needed a quick and easy way to get a sense of how she was feeling. Or maybe you’re like Peter, who designed the app, who has been married to his wife for many years and wants to explore new and interesting ways to connect with her. Or maybe you’re like me, always searching for new ways to check in with myself, understand my feelings, and feel close with my partner.

My point is - we on the Coupleness team share many of the same struggles and hopes as you, so we’ve built an app that hopefully feels like it’s made for you. We are committed to helping couples feel not only comfortable, but excited, to put energy into their relationships.

When your relationship is strong, you are happier and healthier in the long run. We believe that your relationship and happiness are worth it.


Coupleness was created by people who know what it’s like to have a busy everyday life and not have time for their relationships. See how they turned their shared struggle into a global movement.

The Story of Coupleness

02 - THE STORY OF COUPLENESS.mp3

Have you heard? There's so much to discover in our Audio Guide

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It seems like some people are practically allergic to the word “feelings.” But the truth is, we all have a lot of feelings, all the time. But what exactly are feelings?

According to Dr. Bryn Farnsworth, emotions are associated with bodily reactions that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain. Feelings are the conscious experience of these emotional reactions.
Research shows that learning to recognize, understand, label, express and regulate our emotions is crucial for our ability to happily and healthily navigate our relationships.

Dr. Marc Brackett says, “Perpetual happiness can’t be our goal. We need the ability to experience and express all feelings in order to achieve greater well-being, make the most informed decisions, build and maintain meaningful relationships, and realize our potential.”

You might not consider yourself to be a “feelings” person. Or maybe you feel alllll of the feelings, like me. Or maybe you’re somewhere in between. Coupleness was designed to meet you where you are, and help you grow from there.

One tip I have for you as you start to explore your feelings in the app is to take a moment to yourself before you do your daily tracker. Even if it’s just enough time for three deep breaths, that pause will give you a chance to actually ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Your feelings matter.

What’s the difference between feelings and emotions? Let’s take a look at what we mean when we ask you, “how are you feeling?”

Get to know your feelings

08 - GET TO KNOW YOUR FEELINGS.mp3

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When you think about the things that lead to a happy relationship, you probably think about things like handling conflict, trust, passion, and sexual frequency. While they are all important, a recent study of over 11,000 couples showed that one thing matters to our relationship satisfaction above everything else: commitment.

That’s right - perceived partner commitment, or how engaged and dedicated we feel our partner is to our relationship, was the most important factor in feeling good in a relationship.

That means that the best thing you can do to help your partner feel happy and satisfied is to show them your commitment to the relationship. You can do that through the small things, like a good morning kiss or making their favorite meal, or with deeper things like planning special dates and developing positive habits in your relationship that show your regular commitment to each other.

The second most important factor in relationship satisfaction from the study was appreciation for your partner. If you feel appreciative and grateful for your partner, you are more likely to feel happy in your relationship.

The two go hand-in-hand - if your partner makes an effort to show their dedication to the relationship, you will likely feel appreciative of them, and low and behold, you feel good in your relationship. And the reverse is also true - if you regularly show your commitment to your relationship, your partner will likely appreciate you, and they will feel good.

Keep this in mind as you and your partner build a habit of using Coupleness. Encourage each other to spend the 3 minutes it takes to track your day in the app, because that small effort can go a long way when it comes to feeling that you’re both committed and invested in your relationship. And as we’ve now learned, that’s the best way to make sure you both feel satisfied.

A huge research study has shown that perceived partner commitment is the most important factor in our relationship satisfaction. Let’s break down what that means.

The most important factor of a relationship

12 - THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR OF A RELATIONSHIP.mp3

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Active Love is the concept that drives Coupleness. It is the idea that we can actively invest in our relationships.
Let’s face it: two people trying to smoosh their lives together and be happy about it can be tough. Building a happy and strong relationship takes effort, but between work, family, friends, illness, finances - our relationships can fall to the bottom of our priority list.

Coupleness is about helping you prioritize your relationship so it can be strong and fulfilling, while also fitting in with everything else you have going on. Lots of research studies - including the world’s longest study on happiness at Harvard - say that the quality of our relationships has the biggest impact on our long-term health and happiness. So it’s incredibly important to invest in our relationships and not let them get lost in the shuffle.

Think of it this way:

When you want to have good physical and mental health, there are actions you can take: eat well, go to the gym, do something creative, get enough sleep… you know the drill. The same goes for your relationship’s health. Active love is taking action in your relationship; think of Coupleness as your relationship’s meal plan, gym, creative space and cozy corner all in one.

Besides, Active Love helps you be ready to handle things when things get tough - one of you loses a job, you struggle after having a baby, or - dare I say it - a global pandemic hits. If we can get stronger when things are good, we’re in a better position when things get tough.

Our vision at Coupleness is Active Love for everyone. We are redefining love, challenging the idea that our relationships are static and will just be what they are. You deserve the relationship of your dreams, and with Active Love, you can build it.

So how do we do it?

Shift your expectations from a Hollywood romance to a true partnership and deep understanding. Recognize that investing in your relationship is about the little things that can fit in a busy day-to-day life. Be a trailblazer in your relationship, showing your community what it looks like to believe in your relationship and strive for greatness together. A world with Active Love is a world of people who are inspired, awake and connected.

Active Love is not necessarily about making a big drastic change, but rather is about small improvements in everyday life. When you train to run a marathon, you don’t start by running the full marathon on your first day, right? All it takes is a first step, and then a second, and then a third. No giant leaps necessary.

With Active Love, aim to do something small for your partner or relationship every day. Even the 3 minutes you spend tracking your day in the Coupleness app counts as an investment in your relationship. You might not even realize things are getting better until one day you look back and see how far you’ve come. A 1% improvement per day leads to a 37x better relationship in one year.


Learn about the concept that drives Coupleness. We’ll walk you through why it’s so important to actively invest in our relationships.

What is Active Love?

01 - WHAT IS ACTIVE LOVE.mp3

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Do you ever feel like your life is a series of routines, going through the same motions day after day? That’s probably because it kind of is. We all have habits, activities, experiences that we do on a daily basis, sometimes without even thinking about it.

Since so much of our days are these routines, it’s probably a good idea to think about them. If we have bad habits, or simply no habits, around an aspect of our lives, we can’t expect to get much good out of it.

So, let’s think about our relationships. Do you have any good habits that you do on a regular basis that support your relationship? Do you and your partner have any routines together that help you feel connected? If you do, that’s great! We can help you build more. If you don’t, no worries, that’s what we’re here for.

There are lots of good habits you can build in your relationship. The Coupleness daily tracker is one of them - you can get into the habit of checking in with yourself and sharing your feelings with your partner, which only takes a few minutes. Other habits for your relationship can be things like a weekly check-in to connect and talk through any issues, or a special date once a month. You can have a gratitude practice together, writing or talking about things you’re grateful for every few days. Even things like a good morning or goodnight kiss, or sharing a meal together, can be positive habits for your relationship. You can get creative and find things big and small that help you and your partner feel connected and supported day-to-day.

There are some great books that talk about how to effectively build positive habits in your life, like Atomic Habits by James Clear and Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg. One of the central ideas is that when we’re building a new habit, start small.

If you want to get into the habit of running, it’s probably not a good idea to go from nothing to trying to run 5 miles every day. Maybe you start with a 10-minute walk every day, and build from there.

Another tip for building habits is to attach a new habit to an existing habit. Take the Coupleness daily tracker, for instance. Think of something you already do each day - like brush your teeth at night, or eat dinner - and do your daily tracker right after. If you already have a routine in place, building on it is easier than trying something new out of context.

Just like with running, small steps in your relationship can take you far. We’re here to help you build positive habits that fit into your life, and eventually feel second nature. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.

Starting something new can be difficult. We share some simple and easy tips for adding positive habits into your life and relationship.

Building habits in your relationship

07 - BUILDING HABITS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.mp3

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Since we’re on this journey together, I wanted to let you know a little bit about me so I’m not just a disembodied voice in your phone.

I’m Maya, a Relationship Expert at Coupleness. I got my master’s degree in Counseling Psychology in San Francisco, California. I specialize in relationships, intimacy, anxiety, racial justice, and healing from trauma. I have worked in the US as a couple’s therapist, and I have led creative workshops about mental health, relationships and empowerment throughout North America and Europe.

I identify as a queer woman, and I grew up moving around a lot so I’m kind of a culture chameleon. I’m married to my wonderful husband, and we live in Stockholm, Sweden with our two dogs.

I am also a musician and singer, a soccer player (or football, for my non-US friends), a lover of cupcakes, and board game enthusiast. My husband and I own every version of Ticket to Ride, which is our go-to date night board game.

Now that you know a little bit about me, I’d love to learn about you! Feel free to book a time to chat with me about the topic of your choice, or reach out to me at maya@getcoupleness.com. Let’s talk soon!

Get to know the person behind the voice. Maya shares her story with you so you can connect with her and understand where she’s coming from.

Meet Maya, a Relationship Expert at Coupleness

03 - MEET MAYA - A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT AT COUPLENESS.mp3

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When it comes to improving relationship communication, there is one simple thing you can do as a great first step.

Researchers like Dr. Terri Orbuch who study relationships and communication say that couples often get stuck in communication patterns. We have endless cycles of talking about work, the kids, the house, chores, and the to-do list that just keeps growing. And we don’t really talk about anything else.

The result is that we feel like we’re communicating, but we’re not actually getting any of the benefits of healthy communication. So, what do we do?

Here’s the one simple change: good communication in a relationship can start with spending at least 10 minutes every day talking to your partner about something other than work, chores, your children, and your relationship.

You can talk about your feelings, dreams for the future, memories from the past, new ideas, shared interests - anything other than those four things. If you’re not sure what to talk about, you can use the Question of the Day as a starting point. If you can do this - just 10 minutes a day - you’ll find that communicating with your partner brings more fun and meaning to your relationship than before.

This is our favorite communication tip. Learn what you can do to help bring more fun and connection to your relationship.

One simple change to improve communication

11 - ONE SIMPLE CHANGE TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION.mp3

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This story comes from someone whose partner is going through a hard time. They aren’t sure how to support their partner, and are looking for how to get through it together.

“My partner has always loved his job. Both of his parents had successful careers, and he fell in love with his work the first day he started. He is good at it, it gives him purpose, and he likes providing for us financially.

So when he was let go because of COVID, he was completely lost. This is the first time in 20 years that he hasn’t had a job, and he hasn’t been able to find another one. Fortunately my job pays enough for us to be okay financially, but my partner is struggling to feel, well, anything. As the weeks went by, he disconnected first from his friends, then his family, and now me. He barely wants to talk or do anything, and seems to be completely hopeless about the future.

I get it, I do. His job was his identity. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him. But, and I feel like a bad person for saying this, but I also feel rejected and confused. I’m still here, you know? I’m here for him, and want to help him and get him through this, but it’s like he has lost all desire to even be with me. He won’t go to therapy, and doesn’t want to talk about it with me.

Now I feel lost, too.

That’s why I wanted to try Coupleness. I figured it is easier to try than therapy, and he’s looking at his phone all the time anyway. We just got it, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but it does give me a little bit of hope. I just miss him a lot, you know?"

A story of a person’s struggle to support their partner when they went through a hard time.

Real story: Partner going through a hard time

15 - REAL STORY PARTNER GOING THROUGH HARD TIMES.mp3

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Meditation and mindfulness are ancient practices. In recent years, more and more people have implemented these practices into their daily lives, with good reason. Mindfulness can improve your mental and physical health, reduce anxiety and stress, and strengthen your relationships.

In order to feel deeply connected to our partner, we need to first connect with ourselves. If we are feeling lost in the chaos of our lives, with no sense of groundedness or solidity in ourselves, it will be hard for us to show up and really be with the people we love. So today, we’re going to guide you through a grounding technique called a Body Scan. You can do this exercise on your own, or together with your partner.

A Body Scan is a great way to take just a few minutes for yourself - let the chaos of the world happen somewhere else for now. Remember, taking time for yourself is not selfish - it’s how we make sure we can be our best selves. And taking time to be grounded together is a great way to connect with each other in new ways.

Let’s begin by finding a comfortable position. Sit or lie down, and adjust your feet, legs, arms, fingers - make sure every part of your body is where it wants to be. If you’re doing this with your partner, you can choose to hold hands or have contact in some way, or to each have your own space. Now, you can close your eyes, or relax your gaze and turn inward.

First, bring your awareness to your breath. Try to take slow, long breaths, really taking your time, especially with your exhale. You can put one or both hands on your belly, reminding yourself to take deep breaths that bring the air all the way down to your belly, and feeling the air flow all the way back up and out. Notice how it feels to breathe deeply and intentionally.

Let’s start the body scan by bringing your awareness to your feet. If they’re on the ground, notice how it feels to have your feet solidly making contact with the floor. If they’re not on the floor, notice what they’re touching, and any sensations you have in your feet. There is no need for judgment, or thinking about anything other than simply noticing what feels true for your feet. Now, bring your awareness into your legs - your calves, shins and knees. Notice how they are feeling, and what comes up for you when you are focusing your awareness on your lower legs and knees. Maybe there’s pain, maybe there’s a desire to stretch, maybe they feel totally relaxed. But whatever it is, just notice.

Bring your awareness to your thighs, quads and glutes. If you’re sitting or lying down, notice the contact your upper legs and backside have with something solid. Feel into that point of connection and notice any sensations you have. No judgment, just notice. You can bring your awareness now to your belly - your pelvis, your lower belly where your breath has been going, and the center of your core. Feel your breath flowing in and out of your belly, and notice how it feels. Maybe you’re hungry, or have just eaten, or some emotions come up when you focus on your core. Everything that’s true is welcome.

Now, bring your awareness up to your chest. Try breathing into your chest rather than your belly for a few breaths and feel your chest rise and fall with each breath. See if you can feel, or imagine, your heart beat. Tune into your chest and simply notice the sensations. You can now focus your attention on your fingers, hands and forearms. If they’re resting on something, notice how those points of contact feel. If they’re only in the air, notice how the air feels, swirling around your hands. Notice if there’s a desire to move, to fidget, or if your fingers and hands can relax. There is no right way, there is only what is.

Bring your awareness to your elbows, upper arms and shoulders. See how it feels to roll your shoulders back, a motion many of us miss a lot these days as we spend so much time hunched at our computers. Be aware of any sensations or feelings you have in your upper arms and shoulders. Keep breathing. Now, bring your awareness to your neck, your throat, the place where your spine meets your head. Notice how your neck is feeling, if it’s tired, stiff, relaxed. Notice your breath moving through your neck, in and out. And now, bring your awareness to your face, forehead, and top of your head. Notice if any muscles in your face are tense, and see if you can relax them. See if any emotions come up as you bring your awareness to your face. There’s no need to judge, simply be with yourself wherever you are.

As the Body Scan comes to a close, take a few more deep, deep breaths into your belly, with nice, slow exhales. If you’re holding tension anywhere in your body, see if you can relax and let it go. You have spent just a few minutes connecting with yourself, your breath, your body. This time is a gift to yourself to help you feel more solid and aware of your own feelings and sensations, and hopefully, you’re now in a better position to connect with your partner and those around you. When you’re ready, take one more deep breath, and as you exhale, you can open your eyes and look around to reacquaint yourself with the space you are in. If you’re with your partner, you can make eye contact and take a few deep breaths together to solidify your connection today.

Thank you for joining me in this body scan, and feel free to come back and do it again anytime.

Listen on your own or with your partner, and experience a relaxing and grounding mindfulness technique.

Mindfulness meditation (body scan)

COUPLENESS BODY SCAN 4.mp3

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Sometimes, it’s hard to see progress. Especially when it comes to small changes that make an impact over time. That’s how it can be with our relationship, when we’re working to build a happy, healthy and strong relationship with our partner. This is where setting goals can come in handy.

Let’s think about exercise as an example. If you’re trying to build muscle in your arms, if you look at your arms after doing a workout, you’re not going to see much of a difference between before the workout and after. But you trust that change is happening, right? Or at least, we try to, and that keeps us motivated.

If you then compare what your arms looked like before you started exercising, to what they look like after months of working out, you’re likely going to see a big difference.

It’s even easier to measure the change if you have incremental goals along the way - aiming to lift 5 more kilos, and then 5 more, and then 5 more. Then you can track your progress as you go.

We can do the same thing with our relationships. Let’s say you and your partner haven’t complimented each other in years. You take the step to say something nice to your partner, and they don’t say anything back. Not much change measured, right?

But you set a goal to tell your partner one thing about them that you appreciate every day. And then that grows to two things a day, and then three.

Over time, as you build the habit of complimenting your partner, you will start to feel more gratitude for them, and proud of your efforts in your relationship. And they might even start complimenting you back. Before you know it, there’s been a shift in your relationship and you now both really take the time to appreciate each other regularly.

These little steps might not feel like they’re changing much in the moment, but over time, your relationship can grow and thrive in ways that used to feel out of reach.

Remember that a 1% improvement each week leads to a 67% improvement over a year. Small steps, big difference.
Set small, reasonable goals that can be increased over time. Focus on what you want to do more of - positive goals are easier to achieve than trying to take away negative things. And as you build these habits, remember that change is happening, even if you can’t see it right away.

A 1% improvement each week leads to a 67% improvement over a year. Learn about how taking small steps can lead to reaching your goals.

Small steps, big difference

COUPLENESS SMALL STEPS MASTER.mp3

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This story comes from someone whose daily life was chaotic. They felt disconnected from their partner, and they rarely had meaningful time together. So, they got creative, and changed what “going on a date” meant for them. Here’s what they said:

“My wife and I have three young kids, and our days are filled with carpools and laundry and an endless supply of dirty dishes. I couldn’t remember the last time we actually went on a date. And to be honest, neither of us wanted to go on a date. The thought of putting on a suit, high heels, finding a babysitter, getting a restaurant reservation, driving into the city… I mean, it was more exhausting than anything else.

But I felt like we were losing ourselves. We have a framed picture from our wedding day in the hallway and every time I looked at it, I wondered where those people had gone. It was like we didn’t get to feel that “in love” anymore.

So I decided to try to think outside the box. A date doesn’t have to be a fancy dinner neither of us wants to go to. I looked at that wedding picture and had an idea.

The next time all three kids were settled down at the same time - which doesn’t happen as often as you’d think - I took my wife’s hand and led her to the hallway. I put on the song we danced to at our wedding, and we danced. We looked at each other for a long time - something we never slow down long enough to do - and we talked about our wedding day. We reminisced, and we talked about bringing the kids to our wedding venue so they could see where we got married.

When the song was over, it was like we were new versions of ourselves. That four-minute date was exactly what we needed. Now, we have mini-dates like that all the time, stolen moments to laugh together, touch, remember, dream. Our new dates have transformed our relationship, and now I recognize us in that wedding picture every day.”

A story of how a busy, overwhelmed couple found a way to bring more romance and spontaneity into their relationship.

Real story: Out-of-the-box dates

14 - REAL STORY OUT OF THE BOX DATES.mp3

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One of the core aspects of the Coupleness app is choosing emojis that represent your feelings. We’re helping you build a vocabulary so you can label your feelings, because having words to describe our feelings leads to a deeper understanding of them, and helps us put them into perspective and know how to move through them.

We use emojis for this so you and your partner can have a shared language for feelings from the beginning. Emojis have become part of our everyday lives, and are a quick way to grasp complex feelings.

Some of us feel our feelings super deeply, and can perceive and express tiny shifts and nuances between all our different feelings. According to Dr. Marc Brackett and his research, this is called emotional granularity. It’s the adaptive value of putting feelings into words with a high degree of complexity, which mirrors our inner lives.

On the other hand, some of us are only aware of the broad brush strokes: happy, sad, angry. This is called clumping - we clump together groups of emotions that are similar to one another, without understanding or acknowledging the variations between what we’re feeling.

Developing emotional granularity can have huge benefits in our lives and relationships. We are less likely to have strong, explosive reactions to things, and are less likely to turn to substances to regulate our emotions. We are also more likely to find positive meaning in negative experiences, and are skilled at regulating our emotions - which means we can take on new perspectives and express our feelings in healthy ways.

When we’re clumpers, we are less good at all of those things, and tend to be more physically and psychologically ill than those with emotional granularity. So it’s safe to say that working on understanding our feelings and developing our emotional vocabulary can be a real priority for all of us.

So, when it comes to Coupleness, as you scroll through the emojis in the daily tracker, really take some time to breathe deeply and discover your true feelings from the day. Look through the list with fresh eyes each day, and consider if you identify with each feeling on the list, instead of always defaulting to the same emojis day after day. Doing so might help you expand your feelings vocabulary, gain insights into your day-to-day experience, and bring all the benefits that come with emotional granularity.

Our feelings play a big role in our lives, whether we want them to or not. Learn about why understanding and sharing your feelings is crucial for your relationship.

Why our feelings matter

09 - WHY OUR FEELINGS MATTER .mp3

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When you think about the important things in a relationship, you probably think of communication, conflict resolution, physical connection, etc. But one thing that is often overlooked, but should be at the top of that list, is curiosity.

Research shows that curiosity is a key element in long-lasting, happy relationships. Curiosity in this case refers to expressing interest in your partner’s life and experiences. If time slips by and we haven’t checked in with our partner about how they’re doing in a while, the relationship might begin to suffer.

Staying curious is one way that we don’t take our partner for granted, and avoid becoming two humans who simply coexist.

You know that initial spark we feel at the beginning of a relationship? The butterflies and tingly excitement that comes with discovering another person? That feeling can fade over time, but curiosity can help. While our relationship will definitely change and evolve, in many ways for the better, we can still maintain that sense of wonder and discovery no matter how many years have gone by.

The Question of the Day in the app is a great way to lean into curiosity. Sometimes it’s a silly or playful question, and other times it’s challenging and introspective. The Question of the Day is a quick and easy way to learn something about each other and have a moment of connection, even during a busy day.

You can also use the Question of the Day as a starting point for a conversation. One night this week, instead of rushing through the day without talking, or tuning out with Netflix, try asking each other the Question of the Day out loud. Expand on your answers, and ask each other questions to learn as much as you can.

Some of the most popular Questions of the Day are: When do you have the most fun with your partner? If your partner was a superhero, which one would they be? What would you do with an extra free day? Let these questions inspire your continued discovery with your partner.

Here are a few more quick tips on staying curious: be specific when you ask your partner questions about their day so you can get more details. Ask open-ended questions that begin with “How” or “Why” so they can share more. And pay attention to your body language when talking with your partner. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and lean into the conversation.

Remember, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, there’s always more to learn. Choosing to stay curious is a great way to keep the excitement of discovery together.

Curiosity is a key element in long-lasting, happy relationships. Check out these tips for how to keep your curiosity alive over time.

How to stay curious

COUPLENESS CURIOSITY MASTER 2.mp3

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This story comes from someone who really struggled with conflict. They avoided it at all cost, and their partner wasn’t too skilled with it either. But they figured out a way to get through conflict together.

“My partner and I had completely different upbringings. My mom was full of anger growing up, and I did everything I could to avoid upsetting her. My partner was raised to speak his mind, consequences be damned! You can imagine that together, we were useless with conflict. Whenever there was an issue in our relationship, he would be quick to lash out, and I would try to apologize the problem away.

Of course, that led to me holding onto resentments that I never expressed. I was scared to speak up, and he didn’t know how to make space for me.

One thing that helped us start to get better was to slow the conversation way down. We agreed to take a deep breath together after every sentence one of us said. Yes, EVERY sentence. It was exhausting and annoying at first. It was like, “We need to talk about the fight we had at the restaurant.” Deep breath. “Why did you bring up our finances while we were in public?” Deep breath. “It was on my mind.” Deep breath.

It took forever. But it helped him slow down and not talk over me. He had time to process his feelings. And it also gave me an opening to feel like I could say something and not be interrupted. I had time to collect my thoughts and try voicing how I felt.

We still struggle, and forget to slow down sometimes, but in general, we both feel more understood by the other.”

A tip for working through conflict together from a couple who had very different communication styles.

Real story: Our trick for resolving conflicts

16 - REAL STORY OUR TRICK FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS.mp3

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As Coupleness has grown, we’ve learned a lot about how different people approach relationships. One thing that stands out is that each of us is starting from a different place.

We all have our own histories, levels of hope and skepticism, and daily schedules. That means that as you and your partner start to use Coupleness and track your days, you might approach it differently.

One of you might be super excited - you’re ready to try something new, connect more with your partner, or take a step in improving your relationship. If this is you, you’re probably eager to track your day most days, answer the Question of the Day, and learn as much as you can.

One of you might be less inclined to dive in. Maybe you don’t like expressing or talking about feelings, don’t feel you need to do anything differently in your relationship, or just don’t have the time or energy to try something new right now. If this is you, you might only be listening to this right now because your partner asked you to. I get that. No one is here to shame you. We’re each just starting from where we are.

If you’re more eager to use the app than your partner, and find that you are tracking your days and your partner isn’t, don’t worry. Tracking your day can be a positive thing for you as an individual. You are checking in with yourself, getting to know your feelings better and learning what affects you. You are building a relationship with yourself, and can see how you change and grow over time. Totally worth it, right?

There’s also something called the law of reciprocity, which is when someone does something positive for you, you are inclined to do something positive in return. I can’t guarantee anything, but it’s likely that if you stick with a good habit that supports you and your relationship, your partner might get inspired to join you in the positive actions over time.

If you are not as active in the app as your partner, it might be worth checking in with your partner to see how they feel about that. Research shows that the number one factor when it comes to feeling satisfied in your relationship is your perceived partner commitment. If your partner feels that you are engaged and dedicated to the relationship, they are more likely to feel happy in the relationship. Tracking your day is a quick way to show your commitment, so it could be worth giving it a try.

Like I said, we all have our histories and hang-ups. We can only start from where we are. We hope that Coupleness can be a positive step for both of you, helping you have a fun and easy way to connect and feel supported. But no matter the method, try to show your commitment and appreciation for one another however you can, and it will be worth it in the long run.


We’re not always on the same page as our partner. Learn how you can make the most of your time with Coupleness even if you are more - or less - committed to working on your relationship than your partner.

When you're on different pages

13 - WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF ENGAGEMEN.mp3

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This story comes from someone who has figured out with their partner how to make Coupleness work for them.

"I was so excited to try Coupleness. I am someone who’s interested in relationships and human dynamics in general, so I wanted to try a tool that could help me learn and grow in my own relationship. My partner was not as interested. He felt like our relationship was fine as-is, and didn’t want yet another app on his phone. But, he was willing to give it a try.

I wanted to make the commitment to track my day every day. I usually cook dinner for our family, and my partner does the dishes after, so I thought a good time to track my day would be when my partner is doing the dishes and I have a few minutes to myself.

This worked really well for me - it was towards the end of the day, so I could reflect on how the day went for me.

My partner, on the other hand, just could not get into the habit of tracking at night, or even every day. He takes the bus to and from work, so it was easier for him to track his day on the bus on the way home. Even though the day isn’t over at that point, it gives him a chance to transition his mindset from the workday into being at home with the family.

At first, it bothered me that he didn’t do it every day. It felt like he wasn’t as committed to our relationship as I am. But now I’ve come to realize that for him - someone who’s not really into all this relationship stuff - tracking at all was a clear sign of his willingness to make an effort.

Now, instead of feeling forgotten on days he doesn’t track, I feel extra good on the days he does. And even when he doesn’t track his own day, he still looks at how I’ve tracked mine, so I know he’s wanting to connect with me. Sometimes, that’s what matters to me the most."

A story of how one couple is making the most of the app, even though they have different tracking styles and interest levels.

Real story: Different ways of using the app

COUPLENESS TRACKING STYLES MASTER .mp3

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One approach to couples therapy views feelings as a major factor in our relationships. It’s called Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT for short. It was developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, and is widely practiced with great results.

Even though Coupleness isn’t the same as couples therapy, we think learning about EFT can provide interesting ways to think about your relationship.

EFT is built on a foundation of attachment theory, which explores how having safe and healthy relationships impacts our well-being. Our relationships are considered emotional bonds, and how emotionally available and responsive we are with each other can greatly impact our satisfaction in our relationship.

A core theory in EFT is that conflict in a relationship comes down to your emotional connection in one way or another. The tender, fear-based questions that lie beneath conflict are things like:

- Do you really hear me?

- Can I trust you?

- Am I important to you?

- Are you committed to our relationship?

- Can you connect with me on an emotional level?

- Can I confide in you?

- Do I trust that you’ll stick with me as we work through conflict together?

As you and your partner go through your ups and downs together, see if you can recognize when you are being motivated by these questions of emotional connectedness or responsiveness. You can also ask yourselves some of the questions I mentioned on a regular basis, to make sure that your emotional needs are being met day-to-day.

EFT also outlines three basic patterns couples fall into when in conflict called the Demon Dialogues.

First, there’s Find the Bad Guy - this is a pattern of mutual blame, when both people dig their heels in and remain distant as they blame each other for the challenge.

Then there’s the Protest Polka, which is a demand-withdraw pattern, or criticize-defend. It’s more of a push-pull.

And then there’s the Freeze and Flee, which is when we withdraw, shut down, feel hopeless and give up - on ourselves or the conflict. See if you can notice when you and your partner fall into these patterns. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking out of it.

Working with an EFT therapist can help you and your partner gain a better understanding of yourselves and your relationship. You can start to identify when you’re falling into the Demon Dialogues, and learn to ask the vulnerable questions that lie beneath your conflicts.

Remember that your feelings are important, and play a big role in your relationship, so spending time getting to know them can go a long way.

Learning about EFT can provide interesting ways to think about your relationship. EFT focuses on our feelings and how we work through conflict.

Intro to Emotionally Focused Therapy

COUPLENESS EFT MASTER .mp3